Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

I have just concluded the weirdest, crazy making, anxiety producing, two months of my life.  Some of you have been aware of this strange journey and have prayed me through it.  And despite my mantra of #livelifetransparently I've been kind of quiet about it all as of late. Because it got scary.  But today I'm feeling very very grateful.

Two months ago I was hospitalized as a pretty sick woman, diagnosed as having had a "heart attack of the colon."  What is that?  Who does that?  (From those of you I heard from apparently some of your parents have!)  This led to lots of tests to find out WHY this had happened.  (Might I add that I was told on more than one occasion that "we do see this in the elderly."  Woah... are you talking about me???)

First stop was the heart.  Bingo. An arrhythmia called Left Branch Bundle Block. And the discovery of a hole in my heart that has been there since birth but just now decided to raise its ugly little head.  But LOTS of tests and procedures and scary days later, I know that except for the hole and the rhythm issue, I've got a very healthy heart!  No blockages.  No signs of disease.  A strong muscle.  Yes, the hole will cause me to become winded a bit more easily. (I now have something to blame my tiredness on!) Yes, the rhythm issue puts me at a higher risk for stroke.  Yes, I will need to take a baby aspirin every day to keep the little sucker from throwing clots where they aren't supposed to be. Yes, Pittsburgh Penguin Kris LeTang is my heart brother because he had to pretty much take a season off and figure out how to manage his stamina because of a hole in his heart. Lucky for me I'm not a pro-athlete and the plan is a little different.  In six months I'll repeat all of the scans again to make sure that the hole hasn't gotten any bigger, then after that it will be every couple of years for a check. But for now, the cardiologist says get back to the gym!

The second (and more concerning) issue, was that the CT scan and follow up MRI of my belly showed a little something on my pancreas.  You don't want a little something on your pancreas.  From the scans, the pancreas doc believed that this was a pre-cancerous growth in the main duct, and that while it would need to be managed, there was time to be intentional about a treatment plan. You don't want to rush in to messing with your pancreas I'm told.   So on Friday I went in to Allegheny General to have a scope biopsy of the pancreas in order to make that plan.  To my joy, I woke up to the news that the "mass" was actually a SECOND duct in my pancreas that should have merged into the main duct prenatally but sometimes it remains. Seriously??  People with these divided ducts are more prone to pancreatitis but since I haven't had it in my 50+ years, the pancreas doc (who looks like Taylor Swift btw) says I probably don't need to worry about that. OK then.  I'll take that!

So what have I learned from these past two months?  Well, of course I will tell you.

1.  I have amazing friends and family.  From emptying my puke bucket, driving me to appointments, praying for me, encouraging me, researching pancreases and hearts... I am extremely blessed and grateful. PLEASE let me know when I can come empty your puke bucket someday because I'm there.  

2.  I am a freak of nature. Those who know me well know the list... thumbs without joints (a trait shared by my late dad, brother, and nephew),  a tailbone anomaly that only really bothers me when I do sit ups so I don't do them, feet and ankles so weird that I needed surgery to fix them back in college, a dad who never had a gall bladder, a brother with eye anomalies, and now I have a heart with a hole in it and a pancreas with an extra duct.  And this is the way that God knit me together! It is not lost on me that I was just a few more gene mutations away from not being born!  And in God's eyes I am absolutely perfect, as are you. PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.  Let's go with that and not try to figure it out, OK?

3.  I am so very grateful.  I don't like the word blessed.  Because if God "blessed" me by NOT having a tumor in my pancreas, why did God not bless my dear friends who are going through such struggles with their health, cancer in particular?  I do not know.  I cannot know.  So all that I can know is that I am grateful that this is not a cross that I must carry at this time -- and my love and prayers remain steadfast for those who do.

4.  I have been reminded again that in truth, we only have today. I'm really LUCKY that the "heart attack" occured in my colon and not my brain. And I could fixate on whether another clot could go somewhere else tomorrow, but I can't do that. And neither can you.   We like to think "Oh, I have at least another 30 years to live because I eat right and exercise" or " oh the doctor says that I only have 3 months to live."  I call bull@#$%.  We have today.  That's it.  And as scary as that is, it's freeing, too.  Live it, love it, embrace it.  As a friend of many of ours used to say, "Love the time." Yes.

5. Given this gift, I'm going to make every effort to reform my ways.  I'm not sure that I can because I've tried so many times before and failed.  It's a struggle so many of us share.  We eat to comfort ourselves or because we're bored or lonely.  My sugar addiction is ridiculous.  We spend way too many hours sitting.  TV, computer, phones... did I move anything besides my wrist today??  But just for today, I'm going to eat mindfully and get to the gym.  And when I feel like I can't breathe I'm going to thank God for my strong heart with that little hole in it, and keep going. Little steps.  Little decisions.  Join me in this OK, friends?  We can pray and encourage each other through this!

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You are, too.  Perfectly imperfect. Thanks be to God for the gift of our bodies, our lives, and each other.